Lenten Thoughts

Pope Francis (then Archbisop Bergoglio) washes and kisses the feet of an AIDS patient

With the election of Pope Francis there have been lots of adjectives flying around to describe him, all of which seem to be genuinely true. Humble, prayerful, spiritual, holy, truly poor in spirit. The messages he has sent out via his first few homilies have been very focused on love: for our neighbors, for the poor, the downtrodden, the ill, the elderly, the most innocent and vulnerable of us all. All very worthy messages. 

What I find most striking are the images of Pope Francis that have come flooding out that show him living out what he has been preaching. Pictures of the Holy Father (during his days as the Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires) washing and kissing the feet of drug addicts, expectant mothers, AIDS patients. Seeing him stop his motorcade in Saint Peter's Square so he can climb down from the popemobile specifically to kiss and bless a disabled man and his caretaker. Standing outside a parish church for twenty solid minutes to greet each parishioner individually, stopping to bless those who ask and kissing the head of every child that goes by. And looking completely serene and joyful in it all. I'm not one who is normally a very emotional person, but these images brought me to tears.

The powerful example given in just the few, short days of Pope Francis' pontificate makes me think he will one day be declared a great Saint of our Church. It also has me stopping to examine the way I live and carry myself. 

This morning it occurred to me, out of nowhere, that I want to be a Saint. I don't care about the formal acknowledgment or having my own feast day or whatnot. I just want to make it to heaven, hopefully with my husband and children, and be able to be in the Presence of the Beatific Vision. I'm not really sure where that came from. The famous line given by Dan Ackroyd when the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man comes plodding down the street, Godzilla-style, "It just...popped in there," is as accurate a description as I can give. Although I know it to be the truth of my heart.

Later on I was reading a blog post that is mostly about how celibacy and sexual issues in the Church relate to our relationship with the Lord when I read this passage:

"How can you tell people you have been saved from the abyss and thus live in state of insane bizarre grace and that you offer up your sexuality out of love? That to manage and control human creation, to the lover of Christ, seems monstrous? That when we say 'I believe in God' we are really saying, 'I view life as a gift, not as a possession'..."

That last sentence especially struck me. "I view life as a gift, not a possession." Do I really? Especially in the West where we view our individuality and our own will as something almost sacred and holy in itself, the idea of our lives not really being our own to do with as we will is cutting, almost viscerally offensive. Of course, that is exactly what the Scriptures say. We are not our own, we belong to God.  Our very existence is completely dependent on Our Creator. Do I live my life like it is a gift?

I start reading through the comments and someone said that what we are all really afraid of is deprivation; we spend all this time indulging in food, drink, sensuality, etc and so on out of the fear that if we don't we will be missing out on something. I admit that is something I struggle with, especially in the area of food. I confess gluttony entirely too often and even in my low carb lifestyle I'm constantly looking for a new recipe to try and create a "guilt free" version of some delicacy that I just can't live without. 

I'm reading this book titled Happy Are You Poor which is all about living out the message of Gospel Poverty, as taught by Our Lord and His Apostles and Saints. I'm having a really hard time getting through it, too. Not because it's hard to understand but because it's hard contemplate. The author, Father Dubay, asks a lot of uncomfortable quests about what constitutes true Gospel Poverty. For instance, is Gospel Poverty all about an internal attitude or is there a real expectation for us to live not just modestly but minimally? The answers have been ones I do not really like hearing. 

But isn't that the case with the Gospel itself? So much of what The Lord has to say turns off so many. In His own day many of His disciples stopped following him (John 6) when his teaching became too hard for people to accept. Will I be one of those? Lord willing, the answer to that will be no. But every day is a struggle. Sometimes I feel like Jacob wrestling with the Lord in his dream. Some days I want to rail against it all. Why?! Why can't I have what I want? Why can't it be about me? 

But every day I get up and force myself to submit to a will that is not my own it molds and shapes me until one day I will wake up and notice that it is less of a struggle. That what the Lord wants is what I want, too, even if it costs me. I can already see some of this progress, although it is certainly not nearly enough. I pray that one day I will arise from my bed, humble myself before the Lord without even the smallest peep of frustration, and be truly joyful about it. I pray that when my time in this world is at an end Our Lord will give me a, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Lord, hear my prayer.

Áve María, grátia pléna, Dóminus técum. Benedícta tu in muliéribus, et benedíctus frúctus véntris túi, Iésus.

Sáncta María, Máter Déi, óra pro nóbis peccatóribus, nunc et in hóra mórtis nóstrae. Ámen.